Your Christmas Card

Babes, It's Christmas time.

Everyone seems to be so excited for the festive season, I can’t help but wonder how many of them are facking it, or if it’s just me...

The third Christmas since you're death. The first Christmas where I am not going on retreat. Not running away this year. It's nice to have a reason to stay here, but still society is tough on the wounded. All the expectations, all the Christmas cheer... Part of me just wants to take my aching heart and hide away. Retreat into my den and hide until it's all over. It feels fragile, like my heart is just keeping it together and the constant reminders of the beauty of the season a little like salt in the wound. The life we had, the traditions I had had, that we had had all gone, all gone with you.

But then there's this other side. This life. He's kind and so is his family; a reason for me to try.

A new life. Beautiful possibilities, with so much sweetness.

It is something I do not want to miss, I don’t want to mess this up out of pain from my past but here I am. You are gone and I am struggling. Struggling not to miss all the loveliness of what I have now but in undeniable heart ache.

I didn't decorate. It's not really my house out here, plus I didn't bring any of my decorations out here. Honestly, I don't even remember if I have any anymore. I think I got rid of them when I was giving away anything that was yours, ours, and most of mine. Maybe my Mom has some but I don’t think so.

Babes, nothing is easy anymore. Not like life was always easy before, but this is something else. The happiest of times seem to bite back. Decorating, not decorating both hurt. All a reminder of a loss so big.

Heather and her family are living in our house now, I bet it's beautiful and the kids have it all decorated. We never had a full relaxed holiday season in there. Always renovating until the night before, cleaning everything up to decorate. Staying up way too late to make it festive for one day. It was ridiculous but we were happy to get to host. To have a house, to have both families together. I never really cared much about Christmas but for those few years, for that one day, it was special.  

It's not like that anymore. But that’s OK, I wouldn't even want to do that right now. One day, maybe one day I will host a Christmas of my own again. One day it won’t be breaking my heart that you died at only 29.

29… babes we were still kids, and I know there are so many people with it so much worse, so so much worse and for them I hurt and feel lame about having a hard time right now, but today, this week I am sad for you. I am sad for me.

Part of me just wants to say fuck it and stay in bed until January, but I do have a nice life again. I have gone through the worst of it and found people I feel at home around. I have reasons to celebrate and loved ones out here. More than wanting to hide under my blankets I want to try. To face Christmas this year, no running away. Wanting a life again... It is not easy but it’s been worth it.

With a tender heart, I miss you. 

No address to send a Christmas card, so I write you. Merry Christmas babes, Merry Christmas